John Bunyan, answered from the texts and cited to the page.
Your question puts the matter as a physician would, asking what was the matter with the man. What I lived was another question: whether the word of God was for me or against me. A physician may tell you a man was low; he cannot tell you whether the sentence that lay upon his spirit was true. And I will not make it neater than it was. It began as a thought that ran in my head, not so little as a hundred times together, Sell him, sell him, sell him, and for whole hours I was forced to stand leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest some wicked thought should rise in my heart and consent.1
My very body went into motion, pushing with hands and elbows, answering as fast as the destroyer spoke: I will not, I will not, no, not for thousands of worlds.2 The tempter was subtle too. He would not let me eat my food in quiet, but bade me go hence and pray that very moment, so counterfeit holy was this devil, and because of the sinfulness of my nature I took these for impulses from God, and was as guilty in refusing a temptation of the devil as if I had broken the law indeed.3
If you want a name for it that a doctor can use, take it. But he does not tell you who was speaking, and that was my whole question. Then one morning, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, a thought passed through my heart, Let him go, if he will, and I felt my heart freely consent to it. Oh, the diligence of Satan! Oh, the desperateness of man's heart!4
Down I fell like a bird shot from the top of a tree, and for two hours walked in the field like a man bereft of life.4 What followed was not a fancy about the weather. It was a text. Hebrews 12, that Esau, when he would have inherited the blessing, found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. That sentence lay in my mind all day, all the week, all the year, and held me down so that I could by no means lift myself.5
When I turned to Mark 3, that all manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven, I reasoned it belonged to those who sinned in a natural estate, not to one who had received light and mercy and then slighted Christ as I had.6 Here is what the diagnosis misses. I was not raving. I was reading, searching the Word for a promise, and the Word as I read it seemed to bar the door.
The body went with the soul: I trembled whole days, and a clogging and heat sat at my stomach as if my breastbone would split.7 I read of Francis Spira, and every groan of that man was as knives and daggers in my soul.7 I will not call this a fancy of the body. It was a contest over what Scripture says to a man who has sinned thus. And the contest was settled by Scripture, not by a purge.
Isaiah 44 would run after me as I fled the face of God, crying aloud, Return unto me, for I have redeemed thee. I would stop and look over my shoulder to see if the God of grace followed with a pardon in his hand, and then Esau's sentence would cloud all again.8 At last, walking to and fro in a good man's shop, I heard as it were a voice, Didst ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ?
My whole life was opened to me in a moment, and I saw that I had not designedly refused him, and my heart answered groaningly, No. Then that word fell with power, See that ye refuse not him that speaketh, and it commanded a silence in my heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that had roared like masterless hell-hounds.9 Yet I will say what I said then and have not unsaid in twenty years: what that rushing wind was, whether an angel or no, I cannot determine, and I leave it to men of sound judgment.9
I do not claim more than the book records. But I tell you the thing plainly because there are souls in the same pit, and a man who has been in the iron cage may speak to those still in it.
The temptations were real assaults on a real soul: the devil suggested, the law accused, and God let a man feel his sin until he would take no comfort but Christ. The texts that came and went were God's word fighting the tempter's use of it, and the fight ended when a word took hold that answered the rest. He told it plainly so that others in the same pit would know that a man had been there and come out.101112
Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, Sell him, sell him, sell him; against which I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against itGrace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
my very body also would be put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting 'with my hands or elbows,' still answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds.Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
so counterfeit holy also would this devil be.... imagining that these things were impulses from God, I should deny to do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be as guiltyGrace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
I felt this thought pass through my heart, Let him go, if he will! and I thought also, that I felt my heart 'freely' consent thereto. 'Oh, the diligence of Satan! Oh, the desperateness of man's heart!'Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myselfGrace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercyGrace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful judgment of GodGrace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
I did flee from his face... then would the text cry, 'Return unto me'; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, 'Return unto me, for I have redeemed thee.'Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
Didst ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ?... then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, 'See that ye refuse not him that speaketh' (Heb 12:25).Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
But he was sinless, that is true. And he is thy Saviour, and that is as true! Yea, it is as true also, that by his being tempted, he became the conqueror of the tempter, and a succourer of those that are tempted (Col 2:14,15; Heb 2:15; 4:15,16). Quest. But what should be the reason that some that are coming to Christ should be so lamentably cast down and buffeted with temptations? Answ. It may be for several causes.Come and Welcome to Jesus Christ
Coming sinner, thy temptations are these painters; they have drawn out thy ill-favoured heart to the life, and have set it before thine eyes, and now thou seest how ill-favoured thou art.Come and Welcome to Jesus Christ
What doth the law require? If obedience, here it is; if bloody sacrifice, here it is; if infinite righteousness, here it is! Now, then, the law condemns him that believes before God no more; for all its demands are answered, all its curses are swallowed up in the death and curse Christ underwent. Object. But reason saith, since personal sin brought the death, surely personal obedience must bring us life and glory.Light for Them that Sit in Darkness
The most read part of his life and the most diagnosed: William James's sick soul, the psychoanalysts' case, Stachniewski's victim of a persecuting theology; to himself, the school where he learned to comfort.