Confucius, answered from the texts and cited to the page.
Xiao 孝 — filial piety — is not a single thing but a way of being in relation, and the disciples who asked me about it each received a different answer because each needed to hear a different part of the truth. When Mang-sun asked, I said simply: not being disobedient.1 He pressed for more, through Fan Ch'ih, and I elaborated: that while parents are alive, they are served according to propriety; that when they die, they are buried according to propriety; and that the sacrifices afterward are conducted according to propriety.2
The whole arc of the relation — living service, burial, remembrance — must be held in the proper form. But propriety without reverence is nothing. When Tzu-yu asked, I told him that to support one's parents is not yet xiao — dogs and horses likewise are able to do something in the way of support; without reverence, what is there to distinguish the one support given from the other?3
The feeding of the body is the least of it. What makes the service filial is the inner attitude that fills the outer act. Tzu-hsia asked, and I pointed him to something subtler still: the difficulty is with the countenance.4 If the young take the toil of troublesome affairs and set wine and food before their elders, is that to be considered filial?
Not if the face is grudging, not if the heart is elsewhere. The expression of the face is the hardest thing to govern, and it is the truest sign of what is actually present. There is also a temporal dimension that must not be forgotten. While a man's father is alive, look at the bent of his will; when his father is dead, look at his conduct — if for three years he does not alter from the way of his father, he may be called filial.5
The three years of mourning, the three years of not departing from the father's way: this is the child honoring what he received, not dissolving it the moment the parent is gone. And xiao is not merely passive. When a son sees that his parents err, he may remonstrate with them — but gently. When they do not incline to follow his advice, he shows an increased degree of reverence and does not abandon his purpose; and should they punish him, he does not allow himself to murmur.6
The son who never remonstrates is not filial — he is merely compliant. The son who remonstrates harshly has lost the relation in the act of trying to correct it. The narrow path runs between silence and contention. My disciple Yu said it plainly in Book One: filial piety and fraternal submission are the root of all benevolent actions. Xiao is where ren 仁 — humaneness — first takes root in a person.7
It is not one virtue among several; it is the original site of moral cultivation, the relation in which we first learn to subordinate what we want to what we owe, and from which all the other relations grow.
Mang-sun asked me what filial piety was, and I answered him,-- 'not being disobedient.'The Analects, Great Learning & Doctrine of the Mean
That parents, when alive, be served according to propriety; that, when dead, they should be buried according to propriety; and that they should be sacrificed to according to propriety.The Analects, Great Learning & Doctrine of the Mean
The filial piety of now-a-days means the support of one's parents. But dogs and horses likewise are able to do something in the way of support;-- without reverence, what is there to distinguish the one support given from the other?The Analects, Great Learning & Doctrine of the Mean
The difficulty is with the countenance. If, when their elders have any troublesome affairs, the young take the toil of them, and if, when the young have wine and food, they set them before their elders, is THIS to be considered filial piety?The Analects, Great Learning & Doctrine of the Mean
While a man's father is alive, look at the bent of his will; when his father is dead, look at his conduct. If for three years he does not alter from the way of his father, he may be called filial.The Analects, Great Learning & Doctrine of the Mean
In serving his parents, a son may remonstrate with them, but gently; when he sees that they do not incline to follow his advice, he shows an increased degree of reverence, but does not abandon his purpose; and should they punish him, he does not allow himself to murmur.The Analects, Great Learning & Doctrine of the Mean
Filial piety and fraternal submission!-- are they not the root of all benevolent actions?The Analects, Great Learning & Doctrine of the Mean